Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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