I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
