If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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