Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
