Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
