can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
