I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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