My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
