I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
