I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
