that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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