You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
