youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
