my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
