All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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