Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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