he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
