it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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