then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
