Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
