Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
