you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
