He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
