i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i out mim tonsoeep
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
