I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
