its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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