Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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