please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
