it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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