Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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