I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
