I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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