I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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