Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
