I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
