The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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