I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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