She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
