my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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