You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize