it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
