Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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