I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
