the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
