When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
