i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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