no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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