She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
