I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
