That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize