stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
