Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
do nipples grow back?
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