my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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