I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
