A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
