I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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