I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
