I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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