i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize