I just saw a hot homeless man
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
