The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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