Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
