I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
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